Listening to mixtapes while drunk-crossed lovers waste time and their livers on the empty words. Damn! When am I going to feel warm again? In the meantime, I'll rely on the heat and false light of my computer. It makes me wonder about "science." Am I dooming myself with all these gadgets? There goes my sperm count-this, I'm going to have a cell-phone induced brain tumor-that. Why don't I just live my life in a bubble? I've already made it 22 years and let's be honest, I'm probably a solid quarter way done. Now that I'm finally getting a grasp on how some sliver of the world works, why would I want to isolate myself for the extra sanctity of mind that would later be found out to be fearmongering about things they didn't even understand themselves? I'd rather live fast and hard now, burning out quick rather than finding myself bored til 120. That's not living. It's funny the way people contradict themselves so often. First, somebody says, "Do whatever you want. Do what makes you happy. You can do whatever you want." Then right around this time, it seems like the only logical thing is to "make yourself money. Sell out. Be what your family wants you to be. Be what your girlfriend wants you to be. You can't make a living doing that."
Fuck that.
Why would I want to surround myself with people who don't believe in following your passions. I'm not a lawyer, I'm not a business man nor a doctor. I don't have letters after my name. I put the letters on the page. I twist the letters to my liking. I'm a writer and I'm for damned sure more determined to make that work than him, her and them with their respective careers. How much time and money gets wasted in college. Pot is a gateway drug to more harmful substances? Then college is a gateway drug to lying to yourself, having a midlife crisis, getting divorced and then remarried to feel better about it, switching jobs 6 times and never really knowing if you're happy. Not me. College may very well have presented the most crucial four years of my life. I'm not knocking it. I learned a lot here. But I'm not doing it for anybody else. The lessons I learned here can't be put on chalkboards.
It's getting late. At least tonight I gave my liver a chance to recover from last night, and prepare for tomorrow night. This coming week should a lot me much time to read and write. My last spring break ever? Maybe not if I take my kids somewhere someday...but that would require me to get married, and let's be real, who can really put up with my obnoxious ass anyways? Haha, until next time world. Have a good night!
Visceral as always. Your point about letters hit me the hardest. Hope it helps to know you're not alone. Enjoy the rest of your break.
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